Trust, belief, love and commitment are the essential ingredients to make a long-distance relationship work, according to Itu Phetla-Nkondo, 23, who’s been in a one and a half year long-distance relationship with his German girlfriend Catharina Wermann, 25.
“Over the past year and a half we’ve spent more or less seven months together, not consecutively of course,” he says.
Itu is currently finishing his honours in clinical psychology at UCT, Cape Town, while Catharina recently returned to Germany to do her honours in political science, after a four month visit to South Africa. For them, breaking up is not an alternative, and they’re both willing to move country for their significant other when they finish their studies. They met by chance in 2008 in Port Elizabeth, where Catharina was studying politics.
“I was there to visit my mother, and a friend of mine told me that he was going to introduce me to the female version of me. I was planning to be there for three days, but after I met her I stayed on for two weeks stalking her,” Itu shares with a big smile and a twinkle in his eyes. “The rest is history.”
When they’re apart Catharina points out that the best remedy against love miles is communication. “We have lots and lots of skype dates. It’s really important to involve each other as much as possible in each other’s daily life,” she says and adds “I try to make Itu feel like he’s with me every single day.”
Though Catharina acknowledges that her generation of long-distance romantics have the benefits of technology, she says that skype, emails and text messages don’t fill the empty chair at birthdays and Christmas. “For me. The day at the airport, when I’ll kiss him and hold him again. That’ll be Christmas and birthday and all at once.”
Laura Stafford, professor at the University of Kentucky, has done several studies of undergraduate college students in long-distance relationships, resulting in the book Maintaining Long-Distance and Cross-Residential Relationships. She says that one of the factors that makes a long-distance relationship last is romantic idealization.
“People start idealizing their partners when they don't spend a lot of time with them. They don’t take each other for granted. In these cases the old saying that the absence makes the heart grow stronger is very true.”
However, she also warns that the idealization can be the downfall of a relationship when the parties involved decide to move closer to each other or together. “For some it’s about getting to know the other person better and they start seeing each other differently. For others it’s about losing the autonomy they feel when they’re apart. Many people don’t stick it through the adjustment months,” she says.
Vibeke Røre, 34, from Norway, met her boyfriend Ronen Klungman, 32, while they were working together at an animal sanctuary in Namibia. Three countries and four months later she found herself on an airplane to South Africa.
“We wanted to get to know each other better. Before I came we had spent 16 days together as a couple. Ten days in Brazil and six days in Norway. I felt very brave, and everybody else thought that I was mad,” Vibeke says about her love escapade. “Long-distance was not an option.”
Seven months later, she’s still in Cape Town, working as a freelance translator. But she didn’t plan it, it just happened. “I never regret the decision though, but of course there are moments when I feel like going back because I miss my family and friends,” she admits.
“Maximum five years. I’ve told him that from the beginning. After that we’re going to Norway. It will give him some time to learn my language and save up enough money to start a business there,” she answers when asked if she sees herself staying in South Africa.
In the meanwhile, she is putting up yellow post-its with Norwegian words to prepare Ronen for the day when it’s his turn to migrate for love.
